Helping Kids Build Social Skills in a Digital World

Lindsay Andreotti: Well, welcome back everybody. You know, it is Sunny and Lindsay here again on the GoodMom Mom podcast. And we're so glad to see you and hear you. And we still are talking to lots of good moms out there and it's really been a lot of fun for us. today's topics, honey, that I thought would be really interesting is to talk about social fluency, how to help our kids be socially fluent. And you know, they're connected more than ever. They have phones, they have iPads, have, you know, figure it out. 

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: They've got something gaming even, you know, I, was observing some Twitch games and just noticing, my God, there's like 45 people in there. So they're connected via digital aspects, but they're not able to make eye contact in a room. And they struggle with going to the grocery store. like, I don't want to, or they're walking around going, yeah, I'm listening. Yeah, I'm listening. 

Sunny Gault: Ha

Lindsay Andreotti: And you're like, really? You are? I can't even connect with you. There's something

Sunny Gault: Really? Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: missing there that... In my honest opinion, we have to teach our kids long before they're 10 or 11 years old. You know, they, they need the social fluency with real live humans, not just real live on zoom like we're doing right now, you know, but something. So that's the topic. And I don't know if anybody's talking about it right now. Probably they are. But for me, it's been a real big eye opener that in communicating with young people, they just struggle with being present in the moment with a live being. could even be their parents.

Sunny Gault: Yep.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I just wanted to chat about that. I have stories to tell, but I just first wanted to hear, what do you think about that? And are you seeing it at all with your kids, their friends? What's happening for you?

Sunny Gault: Yeah, this is happening in my own house with my younger son who is....

Lindsay Andreotti: Okay.

Sunny Gault: Let's see, I have to do the math on this. He's 13, okay. So I noticed this as a kid, like even when he was much younger, he would kind of be frustrated. He had some like, It's like he would think of something and he couldn't get it out of his mouth, right? I don't know if it was like forming the words or whatever, but he grew very frustrated when he would try to talk. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Mmm.

Sunny Gault: And I don't know if this is remnants of that, but I can tell you that he spends way too much time online and I'm doing my best to try to control that, but it is very, very difficult. And... I noticed this just the other day. He had an issue, I think it was just yesterday. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah.

Sunny Gault: He came to me with an issue, but he gets so frustrated, like even in the communication of what is the problem? And he's like rarely looking at me in the eye. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Hmm. Yeah.

Sunny Gault: And there's this problem that we have to solve, and then he gets frustrated. like, well, did you try this? Did you do that? And I could just see the frustration, right?

Lindsay Andreotti: Mm-hmm.

Sunny Gault: And so that's just one immediate example that I thought of. Now, here's the interesting thing though. It seems to be something that is only with certain people...

Lindsay Andreotti: Hmm.

Sunny Gault: Like more like people in authority, I guess I would say, you know, his dad and I, teachers, like he at least tries to be the life of the party and is very popular at school. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Hmm.

Sunny Gault: So I don't know, there seems to be a little bit of a, and I don't know if that is for show, you know, I feel like kids always have to feel like they're performing or they have to, you know, I don't know, prove something, you know, like...

Lindsay Andreotti: That's true.

Sunny Gault: Am I the cool kid? You know, do people like me? So I don't know if that's a performance or not...

Lindsay Andreotti: Could be.

Sunny Gault: But it's happening in my house.

Lindsay Andreotti: It's happening in my house. We'll see. And I have recollections of my kids playing games to, you know, for an extended period of time and, they wouldn't take a break and I'd have to tell them I'm pushing the mom button because I needed some interaction with them or something.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: You know, I remember that it's been about 10 years ago now, but you know, I think what's interesting and I'm wondering how parents are feeling about this, you know, we don't. have classes on eye contact and human face to face interaction. And I kind of remember being back in my junior high days and my teachers were awesome in that we would do debate. And part of the training in debate was to learn how to hold your field, stay in eye contact, don't, you know, it's how to find your power in the process of just showing up...

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: You know, in a debate, you're going to talk through a topic and not everybody needs to debate to the level of, you know, attorneys and whatever. 

Sunny Gault: Sure.

Lindsay Andreotti: But there are some basic skills in this that can be taught that don't have to go subterranean. Right. But what parents know how to do that. If some parents even struggle like I have a friend who's a total introvert and she's like sometimes to talk to anybody. I just want to go to the grocery store, get my stuff and get out. And I go, yeah, and that's probably how just about every other kid feels today. Like I don't, I don't want to have to interact, but I wanted to chat with you personally about, what makes interaction awesome? You know, like as compared to finding your friends or all of your interactions are online. And so I'll leave it right there. Like, When you interact personally with people, what's the joy? What's the excitement? What's the feeling that comes from that? As opposed to, yeah, hey, I see you on the TV and then there you go, you know, like, and then you're out. And so I'm curious about that.

Sunny Gault: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in person, mean, you have a field, right, around you, a circular field around you...

Lindsay Andreotti: Right.

Sunny Gault: and whatever your energy is, up, down, whatever, you are literally projecting that. I think it's like a 30-foot radius, like your body. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: I've heard that. It can be up to that big. Your aura is another word that people use to describe this. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Sunny Gault: Exactly. And that's a very real thing. So you know how like some people say, when that person walks into the room, they just light up the room. Or the exact opposite. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yes. Right.

Sunny Gault: Like so-and-so came in and suddenly I was in a bad mood. Right? 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah, right.

Sunny Gault: That is an energetic feeling.

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah, it is.

Sunny Gault: So, and it's interesting. I was having this conversation on another level, but with my older son the other day about like who he's hanging out with. And I said, you know, keep in mind, Whoever you're hanging out with that energy is rubbing off on you could be a good thing or a bad thing and that's why people say you are who you hang out with right? There's a correlation there Yeah, so Yeah...

Lindsay Andreotti: That is so true. So true. Yeah. So as a mom, same, you know, and so that's one of the things social fluency comes from observation for young kids. They're going to watch you as a parent doing your thing. And do you pick your head up and actually talk to people or are you talking to people like this, you whatever all the time, you know, it's okay to be awkward.

Sunny Gault: Yes, yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: Awkwardness is okay. This is a skill that gets practiced. It's not innate. It's not something we just happen to know when we pop out of the womb. 

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: We learn it through observation and practice. 

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I think it's gonna be one of those skills that kids of the 21st century must have. In order to interact with non-robo beings... You're going to have to be able to interact with energy and with clarity of your own self. You need to know where you end and the other thing starts. You know, I don't know. I'm just really curious about it. And I do find like, for example, we're talking about doing some good mom cruises and bringing moms on boats and talking about skillsets. This is one of those ones that I think we as moms can practice just to be better at being....

Sunny Gault: Absolutely.

Lindsay Andreotti: You know, visible, what do you call that mentors or exemplars of how to do this. It's not as easy sometimes as I think it might've been a while back. And I don't know if that's true. I could have made that up, but it sure seems like it. You know, kids can't even have a conversation. 

Sunny Gault: I know.

Lindsay Andreotti: I'll ask a young kid, so how was school today or whatever. And they say, what was the best part of your day or whatever. And they're like, it was fine. And you're like, okay, fine. What does fine mean? 

Sunny Gault: I know.

Lindsay Andreotti: And that's a teenager answer, but a 10 year old answer is now moving down into the, it was fine. And I'm going, wait a minute. 10 year olds used to come home and just go, we did this and we did that and we love this and we did that. They won't even do that anymore. 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And if you think I'm wrong, go to a grocery store and talk to someone else's kids. It's just, it's amazing. 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And so I'm just, I'm wondering how we can assist our moms out there with some of this, because I think it's truly important and it's not happening. So.

Sunny Gault: You know, I love that you said that we, obviously, we know we need to be role models for our kids. know, you know, you know, quote all the things people say, kids are sponges, blah, blah, blah. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Great. Yeah.

Sunny Gault: And we know that, but we're also human too. And whatever we have our days that we're off. the other day I was out with my older son and we happened to drive through Starbucks. And I could have sworn that the person said before I saw who is like taking our order, you know, you just have the screen, right? 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sunny Gault: And your order shows up on the screen. This person had a lovely voice. Now, you know, I do a lot of voiceover work stuff, so I'm always listening. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Thanks.

Sunny Gault: I pick up on people that have really good voices. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah.

Sunny Gault: And I told my son, I'm like, you watch, I bet that's an AI. Well, we got to the front and it was a real person. And in that moment, I was like, I. You know, I don't know what I would have done if I was by myself, but in the moment I thought I should really tell her what a great voice she has. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Absolutely.

Sunny Gault: And as I was doing that, I was thinking, he needs to hear that too. He needs to hear and see me connect with somebody. I don't even know why I thought that it was just like an immediate download. And so again, would I have said that without him? I don't know. But because he was in the car, I was like, no, Sunny, you need to do this. There's something important here that he's going to pick up on. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Absolutely.

Sunny Gault: So that, and we laughed and we joked because I told him, I thought you were AI, but you have this beautiful voice. And he got to see that. And I think that's important.

Lindsay Andreotti: That's that is so that's a great story. I think our kids do need to hear more and more of us doing just that very thing.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: That's the training that they need everybody.

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: They're learning how to be present and they're watching you. If you don't give that person a compliment or a love hug or whatever it is that you're trying to do, your kids aren't learning how to do it. Because there is no one else is going to show him and...

Sunny Gault: True. Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: They get embarrassed. You know, I noticed even with my own children, I would compliment one of their friends. So let's say someone comes over, my daughter has a friend over and I would compliment her shirt. was like such a beautiful color and it looks so pretty on her and you look so beautiful. And my, my daughter would just go, Oh mom, stop. And I'm like, no, no way. And just the other day, my 29 year old daughter, did the same thing. She complimented somebody on their beautiful, what they were wearing. I went, yes, it worked. 

Sunny Gault: Yes, I did it! I did it!

Lindsay Andreotti: Yes, because you don't know if that stuff sticks sometimes...

Sunny Gault: That's true.

Lindsay Andreotti: but I'll tell you that is, that's the only way we're going to lift humanity out of this darkness. We've got to have more light, more presence, more, see you, you see me and I'm not an AI and I'm not a bot. And I'm not anything other than just a human, you know? And so this is it, folks. 

Sunny Gault: That's right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: We need social fluency and you're the mom who's gonna show it to them.

Sunny Gault: Absolutely.