Raising Resilient Kids: When to Help and When to Step Back

Lindsay Andreotti: Hey everybody, welcome back to the GoodMom Mom podcast. I'm Lindsay and I'm here with my awesome friend, Sunny. Hi, Sunny. And Dezi, he's always Dezi the Wonder Dog, he's always in the picture. There we go.

Sunny Gault: Hello. Hi Lindsay and Dezi. Well, you can't quite see him right now, but there he is.

Lindsay Andreotti: All right, Sunny, well today I have a topic that seems to have made its way to the shelves of my library multiple times. There are so many books, so we won't be able to talk about the whole thing, but I think it's an important skill set that we as moms and dads, of course, need to help our kids really. manage or master by the time they're teenagers. And this is tough because it's built. It's not innate and it's called resilience. And I think what's really important about resilience is it's that certain thing that we build inside of ourselves that gives us confidence that we can overcome just about anything. 

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: And the challenge that we have as parents is that we want our kids to never be uncomfortable. You know, they get a little bit uncomfortable or awkward or weird, and we think it's somehow rubbing off on us. And so then we jump in and we try to fix it.

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: And it creates more, maybe destruction and distraction from their ability to become resilient. Then it actually helps it. And, my son actually talked to me about this. said, mom, when I was little, I felt like I was unstoppable because you and dad could fix anything. And I went, Ooh, isn't that interesting? 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I said, well, that isn't the intention that I had for you. You know, I wanted you to know that you could do it.

Sunny Gault: Ha ha ha!

Lindsay Andreotti: And he goes, yeah. And in some cases I did. And I learned it whatever over time. But he said, I really, there were just times when I just knew I was indestructible because my parents could fix anything. And I went, wow, that was fascinating. And I said, okay, good. That'll be good podcast topic. 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: So.... the thing about this particular topic is that in my opinion, it's like more important than teaching your kids how to get good grades. It's teaching them how to fail fast and learn and own the failure.

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: It's okay to be imperfect, to not do it quite right, you know, and to go, that was interesting. I learned from that. What did you learn from that? And it sounds cliche, but it's not. It's like a layering of a cake. So Anyway, that's the topic. I have a billion stories of things that I did wrong for sure. And also what I would do differently to teach my kids. So what's going on with you and do you have any stories of resilience in your household?

Sunny Gault: I do, there's actually a couple and the first one that I thought of involves one of my daughters.

Lindsay Andreotti: Okay.

Sunny Gault: So as you know, have twin girls and they're 12 years old currently. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Mm-hmm.

Sunny Gault: And one of my daughters, this kind of ties into a previous topic that we were talking about, but is a little shy. She doesn't quite know how to present herself, especially if she's in a. like a large group or like has to perform or do something in front of a large group of people. Okay. She gets very shy. That's just kind of her, her nature and she kind of wants to run from it. Right. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah.

Sunny Gault: And this is something that I've been working on with her because, now she's homeschooled. This is our second year homeschooling. And I knew that she was one of those kids. She even told me, mom, they made me, you know, when she was doing regular school, all they made me stand up in front of. you know, my class and I had to read and I was really embarrassed. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah.

Sunny Gault: And sometimes when kids are forced to do that and it's not, you know, kind of in their own timing or, you know, they're not eased into stuff like that, then it can scar them.

Lindsay Andreotti: For sure.

Sunny Gault: Yeah, and then they don't ever really develop those skills, right? So my daughter, knowing that she has this struggle, right? And wanting to help her because being a good communicator in life can help you in a lot of different ways. When we started homeschooling, I said, OK, you know, we're going to do a YouTube channel and you're going to present, but you're presenting to a camera. You're not going to see the people, whatever. So that worked for we're almost at the end of our second year and and just recently she came to me and said mom I don't want to do these videos anymore I don't know if something happened I don't I mean I wasn't getting a very clear understanding but she just like closed up you know it was just like you know I don't know something happened and she didn't want the videos that we've already done up on the YouTube channel she didn't want to record anymore And I never got a clear answer as to what happened, but the only information I had to go on was, well, she still needs, you know, to work on some of these skills, right? But at the same time, I didn't want to emotionally scar her. So we had to kind of negotiate a little bit and cut back on the videos....

Lindsay Andreotti: Sure. Good.

Sunny Gault: But for me, part of me wanted to save her from this, right? 

Lindsay Andreotti: Mm-hmm.

Sunny Gault: Because I was like, she just, she feels horrible and she doesn't want to do this. And I don't know, maybe there's a really good reason behind this that she's not telling me as a parent, you know, all these things go on in your head. And then, and then there was another side of me that was like, no, like if we just give up on this now, what is that teaching her either? You know, it's okay to say you no longer want to do something, but have an exit plan. Don't just one day after two years of doing something, you know, just quit. cold turkey necessarily.

Lindsay Andreotti: Yep.

Sunny Gault: You know, I something felt off, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Something felt off about it. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah!

Sunny Gault: And I just knew that as uncomfortable as I knew I was making her in that moment to continue on some level doing those videos, I felt like it was important and and we are planning an exit strategy so she won't have to do it. But I wasn't just going to let her give up on it, even though she really wanted to like she was very uncomfortable.

Lindsay Andreotti: Interesting. mean, that's such a good story. And it's the absolute, that is what for anything parents run across is a kid who seems to be going strong and then boom, something happens.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And you know, for some kids it can feel like, I'm failing at it. For some kids it might be some kind of social drama or exclusion, like a friend, in her case, got ahold of a video and said, those are dumb. And then she was like, no, I don't want to be that weird kid, you know, whatever. Probably. I mean, we don't know. 

Sunny Gault: Yes, yeah, which might have been what happened. Who knows? Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: We can make stuff up all day, but here's the thing with kids like that, you know, it's the, it's also the learning that what they're contributing by doing what they're doing is helping them for the long haul in their life.

Sunny Gault: Yes.

Lindsay Andreotti: It's no different than saving money so that they can do the things they want to do. It's a very similar investment in themselves to have this particular skill set.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: It's like, who cares if one person thought it was dumb? 9,982 thought it was really cool or cute or whatever, you know? 

Sunny Gault: Yeah. Yes. Yep.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I think that it's hard for them to take that on, especially if it's a close in somebody as a kid. You know, all we want is to fit in to whatever's going on. So the other part of resilience that I've really needed lessons in is gathering patience and delaying gratification. There are times when I have wanted for my kids to just get it. Don't you just get it now? 

Sunny Gault: Now!

Lindsay Andreotti: Like not tomorrow. Can't you just get it now? 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I do know that as a virtue, patience was one of those ones that I got kind of skipped over in line. And I've known that about myself for a long time. So when I was a younger mother, I'm 100% % sure I had way less patience than I do now. And I think helping our kids learn about patience, like when it's appropriate and when it's not, is an example of resilience. I think about that when I see kids in the grocery store and it's like, Mom, can I have a candy bar? And Mom's going, no. Can I have a candy bar? No. Can I have a candy bar? Shut up, I'll get you the candy bar.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: Which is kind of, I mean, it's normal. Don't get me wrong, mom. Sometimes you just want the kid to stop. You're like, you're so tired and you can't deal with anything else. Just get the dang candy bar. However, there is no training about patience and the delayed gratification. And so like, even if you get the candy bar, maybe don't give it to them right away. Say, you know what?

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: I'm going to get you the candy bar, but we're going to have a conversation about patience and delayed gratification at dinner. 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And you can have your candy bar after that. And they will roll their eyes, of course, because that is what kids are intended to do. Right. But that may be a way to assist in the education about this process because resilience is built layer by layer. It's not instant ever. 

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: I've never seen someone just one day I have none tomorrow. I have it all, you know, and it's emotional and it's mental. It's kind of both. And so we have to kind of play into both of those things where the kids think about it, but then they also feel maybe an emotion. Like, what would it feel like to you if you had that candy bar right this second? 

Sunny Gault: Ha ha ha ha.

Lindsay Andreotti: And they'd be like, I'm so happy. Hold that thought, stay happy.

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: And then let's have this conversation and let's see what we can do, you know? They can learn. We just sometimes don't realize that they can. So anyway...

Sunny Gault: Yeah, speaking of patience, so this is something that I'm dealing with with my older son. So quick refresher for everyone who maybe hasn't watched all of our episodes. 

Lindsay Andreotti: Mmm. Okay. Mmm. Good.

Sunny Gault: So my oldest son had a little e-bike accident combined with some football injuries, ended up needing to have surgery on his knee. And this was a pretty big surgery. and they basically told him, listen, this is, you you're to have to do physical therapy afterward and all of the surgery, everything went well and he's recuperating really well, almost too well in my opinion, because he is lacking patience to allow himself.

Lindsay Andreotti: Hmm.

Sunny Gault: It's like he... I know he had a concern before the surgery that he was going to miss out, right? He wasn't going to be able to do the next football season, things like that, or anything else that came his way. And I know he had that concern, but I almost feel right now he's at a point where he's pushing himself too much, where he could re-injure himself. And...

Lindsay Andreotti: Yup.

Sunny Gault: Yeah, it is. It's frustrating and I want to somehow help, you know, but I also know that this could be another lesson that he needs to learn. Not that I want him to re-injure himself, okay, but I don't know. Is it a learning lesson? As is a parent sometimes it's hard to stand back, you know, especially when it comes to the health or the safety of your child.

Lindsay Andreotti: Yep. Well, that's an important lesson, right? And his first e-bike accident was also part of a lesson that he's gathering right now to build his resilience. And now he's recovering and he wants to get out there and go do some more. And he doesn't have the wisdom to know that taking it easy for a little bit longer is going to ensure a longer-term recovery.

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: Then well I can play can't I? You then I'll bite. I know I'm good.

Sunny Gault: I feel fine. I'm good.

Lindsay Andreotti: I'm fine. See anyway, but I do think, you know, that is a hard place to be on your side of the equation...

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: Because, you know, you have wisdom. So maybe you could ask him, I mean, here's, here's a way to get around this, right? Is to get curious.

Sunny Gault: Okay.

Lindsay Andreotti: Okay. So I'm really curious. What's your next move? What are you going to do with this? And if you do get injured again, what's your plan for that? And if you don't get injured again, what's your plan for that? Just curious what your plan is. 

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: And if he kind of looks at you and goes, I don't know, then you can say, awesome. This might be one of those life opportunities to have a plan either way, because you are pushing, you're pushing the limits, you're pushing the edges.

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: And that is great. And I love that about you. And it's probably going to be your gift to humanity and Sometimes when we push our limits too far too fast... 

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: We snap, and things don't look the way we thought they were gonna look. 

Sunny Gault: That's true.

Lindsay Andreotti: So I'm just trying to be there for you to say do you have a plan either way it goes I'm happy to support either one and then just step back and let him he's a teenager now he can think through that.

Sunny Gault: Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And he'll remember that conversation with his mom.

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah, she did ask me if I had a plan for that.

Sunny Gault: Yeah, that's a good idea. mean get him thinking about like you said either side. Okay, if I do do football, what could that look like? Or if I re-injure myself, what does that look like? you know, would I have to have another surgery again? Because these are the things that are already happening in my mind, right? I'm already playing out those scenarios, which is why I'm like slow down, slow down. Because I don't, you know, I don't want him to go through any more, you know, than he's already been through, of course.

Lindsay Andreotti: Correct. And I think that's legitimate too, to say your emotional reaction to it. like, you know, it was really hard on me to watch you be in pain and to miss things that were really important to you.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: And I support your decision to do that if you get injured again. I'll be right there saying, okay, well, that sucks. What are you going to do now? 

Sunny Gault: Right?

Lindsay Andreotti: And you know, once, once he knows that you're there, no matter what his choice is, that is what resilience looks like. Right? He will learn his own format of resilience. And it's a great way to teach it is especially at that kind of mid-teen to early twenties level...

Sunny Gault: Mm-hmm.

Lindsay Andreotti: They're going to have to make critical mistakes and get on their own path, whatever it is...

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: Bad girlfriend, know, bad friends, whatever they got to fail and fail fast. so that they can recover, become more resilient and move through it. And you know, this is what I've taught for years in entrepreneuring too. Same thing. You never get through an entrepreneurial endeavor unscathed. You're going to have something that keeps you awake at night and it's going to be, God, I wasn't anticipating that. Cool. But that's resilience. 

Sunny Gault: Right.

Lindsay Andreotti: And the more you do it, the deeper it gets and the easier it gets to make a big, huge blunder. So that's awesome.

Sunny Gault: Yeah. And you're usually stronger on the other side. I I think back to some of the bigger mistakes that I've made in my life. And it's only really a mistake if you don't learn from it. Then it's like, what'd you get out of that? But I think back to some of the big ones, and I'm like, Well, that led me to do this or to not do this anymore. And that was a pretty critical step because I learned this and you know what I mean? And that's essentially what we're teaching our kids, know, being role models in the process and hand holders and boo boo kissers and all of that stuff right alongside them.

Lindsay Andreotti: Yeah, the unconditional love support machine. Yeah, here we are, you know, and letting them make as many of those decisions as they can on their own and understanding the consequences is critical.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: There's nothing worse than making a mistake as a human being. And we all lived through it and having our parents say something that just made us feel about that big. Like how stupid can you be? Why would you do that? You're an idiot, whatever the words are that came out of the parents' mouth. And you're already feeling like, that didn't work out very well.

Sunny Gault: Yeah, yeah. And they remember, they remember those things. Even if you forget, because you were in the heat of the moment or whatever, they will remember.

Lindsay Andreotti: Even, totally. they'll remember and it will be like that. So the key is to go, you know what? I was stupid too. I made the biggest dumbest blunder when I drove my car way too fast and you know, got in trouble. Those are not good choices. And even though it seemed like a good idea in the moment, it never feels like a good idea when the bad consequences happen ever. I don't know anybody who goes, yeah, that was a good idea. When they find themselves wrapped around a pole or in a ditch or calling their dad, you know, at four in the morning. 

Sunny Gault: Right. Exactly.

Lindsay Andreotti: No, that doesn't feel good anymore.

Sunny Gault: Yeah.

Lindsay Andreotti: You know, so those kinds of things are where we're at moms and dads who are listening to this and just model it. Just be the role model. Tell them your mistakes and then let theirs be their own. Cause they're trying. Yep.

Sunny Gault: That's right. Absolutely.